Should’ve Stayed In The Drafts | Artemis Fowl REVIEW!

Artemis Fowl is directed by Kenneth Branagh and it’s honestly impressive how just a couple months after Cats we get yet another tragic mistake of a movie. I would tell you the plot of this movie if I knew what it was about. This movie stars Ferdia Shaw, Lara McDonnell, Josh Gad and Judi Dench.

I should’ve known this movie was going to disappoint when Disney put it straight on Disney+ and not to rent or purchase. They were so embarrased by this movie that during a pandemic where new content is so desperately needed, they dumped it on their streaming service. When it comes to this franchise, the only time I’ve ever acknowledged it was when I organised the books at my school library (don’t judge). The books never really interested me and the movie never really made and impression on me, it looked bad to me last year when the trailer dropped and it looked just as bad after the reshoots. To be completely honest, I wasn’t even going to review this movie but I have had an incredibly shitty day due to personal reasons and I didn’t want to watch an enjoyable movie because I knew I wouldn’t allow myself to fully enjoy it so I put on Artemis Fowl and I don’t know if I feel better or worse after watching it.

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Artemis Fowl is a catastrophic mess devoid of any emotion or stakes. I don’t really like to rant on movies because I believe that every movie has at least a few redeeming qualities but this one has none. The last two movies I gave an F to were Cats and The Nutcracker and The Four Realms. Two movies I would actually deem unwatchable. Artemis Fowl now has the dishonour to join those two. In all honesty though, I would rather watch those two over this any day. Literally nothing happens in this movie and at the same time it’s this fast-paced mess. I would go so far as to not even consider this an actual movie because the characters don’t go through any emotional arcs. The antagonist and plot are basically non-existent, the CGI is so bad you wouldn’t even dare to imagine this being a theatrical release. I honestly do not know how this movie got made.

When it comes to live-action Disney movies, exluding the remakes, there really aren’t any good ones. The only one that comes to mind which isn’t actually horrible is A Wrinkle In Time and I actually enjoyed that movie. With this movie, I kept waiting and waiting for something to happen but this entire movie feels like it’s missing the second act. It feels like the writers didn’t even bother with this movie. As I said, the characters are incredibly one-dimensional and have no emotion attached. Artemis himself is a pretentious know-it-all who thinks he’s a criminal mastermind when in reality he didn’t do shit. The acting is so goddamn awful, a character literally dies and I swear Simba from the 2019 Lion King remake had more emotion on his face. I really don’t like to crap on child actors, but this was just bad. The only one who really tried was Josh Gad, he actually gave it his all and to be honest, this movie doesn’t deserve it.

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For a “movie” which has such a rich world to build, Artemis Fowl really is devoid of any wonder and magic. If I had to compare it to another Disney project it would be Onward which also got recently put on Disney+. Both movies feature a modern and magical society. However Onward took it a step further. It gave some social commentary on how even magical creatures can rely on technology instead of natural magic. The characters in that movie are so endearing because they feel real, they felt relatable. There isn’t even a sprinkle of magic throughout the entirety of Artemis Fowl. Things happen for no reason and magic is used without explanation.

This is the type of movie in which you actually get taken out of it because you start wondering “Who the hell approved this idea?”. The things that happen in this movie involving mouths and holes and nose hair, I can’t even make up. The third act is so bizarre and in the weirdest of ways. The editing wasn’t outstanding or anything but it got so bizarre in the third act, like zooming in on faces while they scream getting thrown into the air type of bizarre. Speaking of screaming there is so much of it in this goddamn movie, I swear I felt like I was getting a sore throat at one point. I couldn’t take the big action finale seriously because the creature looked so fake and characters were literally screaming and flying all over the goddamn house. Speaking of the house, I haven’t seen a movie this fucking excited about a house since Downton Abbey, like it’s literally house porn.

Overall, this movie is waste of time, if you are looking for a fantastical Disney adventure I highly, HIGHLY suggest watching Onward, a movie I watched three times and never got bored of. I highly doubt kids will pay attention to this movie beyond the first thirty minutes or so. They’re not missing anything and there is literally so much more that is available on Disney+. Respect yourself and your family and skip Artemis Fowl.

RATING: F for Fowl

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